im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
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Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
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CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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