MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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