need another drink. this is the easiest way
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Randomize
