Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
It's blow job season.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
