NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
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