How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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