Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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