So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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