walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
