did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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