I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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