it wasn't lemon gatorade
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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