My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I AM VODKA MAN
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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