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• (760): View more from California

  I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work

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• (734): View more from Michigan

  Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?

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• (703): View more from Virginia

  Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar

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• (715): View more from Wisconsin

  Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.

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  These 23 People Are Living Shocking Lies

  Read it at the TFLN blog
  

• (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.

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• (949): View more from California

  ... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs

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• (404): View more from Georgia

  STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...

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• (304): View more from West Virginia

  "So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins

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• (415): View more from California

  theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?

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  The 17 Absolute Worst Divorces Imaginable

  Read it at the TFLN blog
  

• (406): View more from Montana

  Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight

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• (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week

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• (858): View more from California

  At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...

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• (705): View more from Ontario

  Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.

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• (785): View more from Kansas

  I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.

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• (714): View more from California

  I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.

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