I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
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I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
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I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.