Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
God, you're like boner-b-gone
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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