Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
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For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
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You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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