No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
