You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
