Buhtt sex?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
