Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
