If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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