We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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