She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
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I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
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Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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