I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
