you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
