I'd wear matching sweaters with you
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
