You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
