The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
