I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
my phone needs a breathalizer
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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