Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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