i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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