Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
