im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
