May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
