i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
