The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
