Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
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