matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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