I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
