I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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