my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
