Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I could make wine with my vomit
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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