I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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