im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
