So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
