Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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