well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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