im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
