I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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