dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
