Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
