Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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