When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
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OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
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I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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