I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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