i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
