those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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