I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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