I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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