My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
