My liver just broke up with me...
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
our cab driver is having phone sex.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
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