I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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