you guys were way drunker than both of me
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Randomize
