I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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