Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Michael Bay diarrhea
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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